Bah,

And it's not so much that I want to kill him...it's just...I-I just want him, not to be alive, anymore. Uh, I-I sometimes wonder if-if all people are this difficult.

Gun with two bullets left...Who do kill?
Shoot him twice...just in case.
Tis what happens when death doesn't want you...and life hates you.

I can convice myself...eventually I will win over this. And as I talk to myself yet agian! Clever use of italics 90131!
ah...Thankyou 90534! Always making me happy...how do you it? Always so amazing!
ahhh....Thankyou for caring <3 style="font-style: italic;">The general view of one's life is meant to represent the general helplessness of an infant through the eyes of an adult....view of endless tears. The sickening realization...you are on your own.
They won't stop; They keep flowing Now they leave behind The marks of pain; That is not understood But leaves behind unwanted scars; Unwanted scars of silent tears

To be unwanted...To feel alone...that is the worst feeling of all. Everyone leaves me...sooner or later. When will you?

No one to be around
No one to be with
No one to cry with
No one to love with
No one to hold
No one to sleep with
No one to talk to

Follow your dreams
Bah. Dreams shall remain only as dreans. What reality do I have? It's not mine. It's a stolen life. It's not mine. Retracing steps and erasing the journey.
Dreams do come true
Keep on dreaming. Nothing. No freewill. No choice. Someone once said to me...there are two types of people in the world. You, and the rest. The rest go out just to prove you guys wrong.
My little thrive for an answer. Perambulating through an unchangeable fate. It's all be setted out already. Future, written in stone.

I have to think this through, you see...people will laugh with you...but when you cry, you cry alone.

I've already make plans, stuff I must finish before April. I've started writing my letter.
I do hope 92241 will finish off my idea. All hope upon the group relys on him...I'm sorry...this is rather another burden I must.

No more words
No more fights
No more acts
No more fake smiles
No more fake terms of endearment

Although I do not hope to turn again
Although I do not hope
Although I do not hope to turn
After all hope gives us wings but doesn't teach us how to fly.

My last dream...It's my final performace for my retical. I am to play my compostion...It's the one I wrote for her...the lullaby
And before I perform it...my little speech; she won't be there to acutally listen to it...Rather too busy I can guess.

I composed this for my friend's birthday...She doesn't know quite how much I adore her. Bah, I had it all planned on her birthday...when and how I was to play it to her, instead she had to spend her birthday in a hopsital! Ah well, she didn't know that I played it downstairs, below her, on the piano. I doubt she could hear it anyway...And I remember...a person saying "Wow...how sweet"
Thankyou...That's was the whole intention. She really is a sweet person.
She doesn't know how much I like her...

And after a while...You begin to realise the slow truth...It'll kill you...No slow peaceful sleep afterwards...No. Just the endless burning of rage...and your thoughts of what could of been...
Sitting here; questioning. Pondering. Secertly knowing the answer.

Why?
Because you were the only one I admired and liked the most. But I guess I must move on without you in order to make what I have left of the future an easy journey. What a lifeless atmosphere...it’s too quiet.
Always...empty...Rather too fill with thoughts...god damn it! Where is my pensive?!
Regardless if I cried a thousand times or a thousand more, it won’t change the fact that you’re happy now with him and it’s meaningless for me to hold on.

I no longer strive to strive towards such things
Because I do not hope to turn again
Because I do not hope
Because I do not hope to turn
Desiring this man's gift and that man's scope
I no longer strive to strive towards such things
(Why should the agèd eagle stretch its wings?)
Why should I mourn
The vanished power of the usual reign?

Why...endless of effort...and the point of it? At the end of my pencil. Penning down all my thoughts instead. Hoping that one day, someone will hear my pleas. My calling for help.
911? Wrong number here...I believe it's 999.
Every time I see you, you’re always with him...Like that time, I just happen to be there - park. It was a rather beauitful day today. Oh dear. Did I give it away that it was today?
As well from taking a walk to ease off the sorrows and at the same time admiring the clouds, lake...ducks.
Oh look the football.
You two walking closer and closer from a distance.

I did what’s best and turned my face whilst letting the love of my life go. I still don’t know if it was me that was crying or the clouds that were then. Now I can recognise the difference between my tears and the rain.
Don’t cry.
I don’t want to see such a beautiful sky crying.
Another day, another short break. Over. Reminiscing the times. Happy Endings? Not always your ending is perferable to others.

So what? I ran.
But I’ve never ever seen you smile like that before in my life -and ironically, your smile made my day. Too bad it wasn’t a smile for me though. So is it a lonely life I’m pursuing now?

Oh dear.

I did not wish for it to come to this.
I leave.
Soon.
I no longer strive to strive towards such things
Because I do not hope to turn again
Because I do not hope
Because I do not hope to turn
Desiring this man's gift and that man's scope
I no longer strive to strive towards such things

Why should I mourn...
The vanished power of the usual reign?

Deluded by omnipresent dread,
Weeping with contentment, fear eradicated.
Deluded by omnipresent dread,
How obligatory we were and thus dictated.
Deluded by omnipresent dread,
Desolation departed, together elated.

Silent tears....
They won't stop; They keep flowing
Now they leave behind; The marks of pain
That is not understood
But leaves behind unwanted scars; Unwanted scars of silent tears
My love drown me into the river of my own tears

Be happy for her...and smile for her...
...And act as if nothing troubles you.

It's bad enough you're upset.
Let's not make others troubled over you...

You could lied to everyone, Say you're over her...
but at night...
When there's no one, but your thoughts.

You know the truth...and realise the sad harsh truth.
She'll never like you back...nothing more than a friend...
And no matter how hard you try...the slow realisation daunts on you..
You'll never get over her...no matter how hard you try...

Where are we going? Do not ask! Ascend, descend. There is no beginning and no end. Only this present moment exists, full of bitterness, full of sweetness, and I rejoice in it all.

Don't you get bored of reading this?
This endless text of hardly any slight happiness
Doesn't this bore you?

Why do you read this?

A lifetime is limited, But knowledge is limitless

To take a limited life and pursue limitless knowledge can be very dangerous/hazardous

To know it is hazardous and still think that knowledge makes you smarter is evne more dangerous


We should transcend knowlede, rather than be burdened or tied down by it. Knowlege is used in understanding the principles of nuturing life, but once we understand we should just folow the natural transformations and not pursue superfluous knowledge

A lifetime is limited, But knowledge is limitless

To take a limited life and pursue limitless knowledge can be very dangerous/hazardous

To know it is hazardous and still think that knowledge makes you smarter is evne more dangerous


We should transcend knowlede, rather than be burdened or tied down by it. Knowlege is used in understanding the principles of nuturing life, but once we understand we should just folow the natural transformations and not pursue superfluous knowledge

We mourn what once was. We cherish what is. We stand in awe of what could be. We continue to hold on to hope.


Everything is backwards now, like out there is the the real world and this is the dream.

Loneliness is an emotional state in which a person experiences a powerful feeling of emptiness and isolation, of being cut off, disconnected from, and alienated towards other people. The lonely person may find it difficult or even impossible to have any form of meaningful human contact. The first recorded use of the word "lonely" was in William Shakespeare's Coriolanus.

Loneliness has followed me my whole life. Everywhere. In bars, cars, sidewalks, stores. Everywhere. There's no escape. I'm God's lonely man...
I guess we suffer a lot in our society from loneliness. So much of our life is an attempt to not be lonely: 'Let's talk to each other; let's do things together so we won't be lonely.'
And yet inevitably, we are really alone in these human forms. We can pretend; we can entertain each other; but that's about the best we can do. When it comes to the actual experience of life, we're very much alone; and to expect anyone else to take away our loneliness is asking too much.

Life has become unbearable … forgive me....


I am going to put myself to sleep now for a bit longer than usual. Call it Eternity.

The dandelion next to the fence in primary school
It was a scenery that had flavour in my memory
Taking an afternoon nap, cicada noise comes from the playground
After how many years, it still sounds good.

You can make complex ideas simple to understand -- so step up and be the leader.

"A man's house burns down. The smoking wreckage represents only a ruined home that was dear through years of use and pleasant associations. By and by, as the days and weeks go on, first he misses this, then that, then the other thing. And when he casts about for it he finds that it was in that house. Always it is an essential - here was but one of its kind. It cannot be replaced. It was in that house. It is irrevocably lost...It will be years before the tale of lost essentials is complete, and not till then can he truly know the magnitude of his disaster."

Dou o primeiro passo no caminho da eternidade, e saio da vida para entrar na História.

I take the first step in the path of eternity and I leave life to enter History.

Many that live deserve death, and some that die deserve life...
Can you give it to them?
Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment.

All we have to decide is what to do with the time that we are given.

Sudden realisation

I have one month to finish off prepartions before I go.

i) write letter
ii) finish off loose ends, and little birthday gifts.

Argh...I really wish it didn't come to this.

I'm not a drinker — my body will not tolerate spirits. I had two Martinis on New Year's Eve and I tried to hijack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

Happy New Year <3